Sinew

I began this piece when I was just about halfway through my last semester of my Physics degree…I started it because I felt like I wasn’t passionate anymore. I didn’t known what direction I wanted to go in-well I knew; however, I didn’t think it was possible. I just wanted to make something and see if it really mattered to me.

I was at a certain point in school that I felt like I wasn’t good enough to be a true scientist, nor did it seem appealing anymore. I was also not feeling like an artist. I was an imposter.

I felt limbo stuck in my body, I had no motion. I felt torn apart…maybe this is why I made the rabbit be torn in half-connected only through ribbon like a sinewy tether. I felt empty, I was floating aimlessly, easily broken and sensitive to change and redirection.

I felt like I poured all of my life and myself into this betterment of self that I thought could only happen through major attainment. I thought I needed to be the very best commercialized version of myself, and that meant that instead of just enjoying school and physics, I had to take it all the way! I had to get my PhD, that was success! I had to recover from my previous failings as a person by taking it to the extreme opposite end, I had to swing the pendulum all the way to the peak and never come back down.

I can’t do that, not because it’s too hard (it is hard) but because that’s not the mindset of betterment. I am so happy I pushed and pursued but I am also so proud to recognize that I need both art and science to be my best.

Now when I look at this painting I feel calm and I love this piece maybe the most of all the ones I’ve made. This little guy pushed me through finals by giving me somewhere to go when I felt crammed. I also have my boyfriend to thank for that, for listening to me break down and freak out-then pushing me to just do it, go for it.

If you need to hear this, success is not defined by anything other than what fulfills you and make you grow.